we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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