all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
