you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
