I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
