I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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