Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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