Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
ok first of all what the fuck
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
