yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
