i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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