dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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