Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
