you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
