You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
