Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
