i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
