yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Vodka?
Forever.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
