I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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