it was like eating out sand paper
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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