she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
