time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
