My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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