so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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