I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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