please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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