I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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