I didn't shave. On purpose
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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