I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
