david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
