I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How external is "for external use only"?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
