Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
