I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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