i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Hello my rib-scented angel!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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