I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
