I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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