Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
