Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
