Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
