the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
