Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
