Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
