I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
