he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
