In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
