if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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