I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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