you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
