let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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