I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
