Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
We need to rekindle our bromance
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
