there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
